I stood beside my mom as the young couple talked to me. They greeted her and then barely glanced her direction for the rest of the conversation.

 She’s 84, she’s my mom, and as an elderly woman – she was dismissed. 

But then our neighbor down the street came by our house. He is a police officer. It was at just the start of COVID19 and he knocked on our door. “I noticed your mom lives with you. If you need any help, here’s my card. Text me. I can get groceries for you, keep you informed on what’s going on. Whatever you need. I’m here.”

He saw her and he served her.


The children didn’t see me watching out the window. We had some friends over and their young son played with our kids out on the trampoline. The boy pushed Lovence hard onto the trampoline. Lovence is special needs and non-verbal – older, but without his own voice. This child knew and took advantage of the moment. 

It’s scary. Without a voice, he became an easy target.

But then the teachers at Lovence’s school came by for his birthday. The parade included a firetruck, an ambulance and a slew of cars decorated for his special day. They honked and yelled and cheered for my sweet boy.

They saw him and they celebrated him.


I was an overweight teen. A heavy teenage girl who thought tube socks were a fabulous accessory to a plaid skirt. I also bore the most embarrassing last name (Kok). The kids had a field day with my awkwardness, and I withdrew into myself.

I didn’t fit and I knew it… and so did everyone else.

But then there was the valedictorian of our high school class – years later he lost his life in the 9/11 attacks. But he was kind to me. He didn’t seem to notice my oddities. He saw me as a human being. He talked with me. He joked with me.

I was seen and it stays with me today.


My Haitian girl was mocked for the color of her skin – dark and glowing and beautiful – but different to those in her circle. She took in those words and for weeks hated the color of her own skin, wishing she could change it. 

It’s heartbreaking, such beauty dismissed and demeaned.

But then there was the Kenyan runner in our community – a future olympian who won a 10 mile race with incredible speed and athleticism. My husband approached her and introduced her to our daughter. Her dark skin mirrored our girl and her strong spirit matched her own. In the midst of a busy running career, she took time and loved on our girl.

She saw her and our daughter reveled in it.


I don’t want to cry victim, for even the wrongs brought change. As a result of her heartache, my mom started calling others who might feel invisible – reaching out to the lonely. Lovence is brave, standing in the face of the pain. I grew in my love and compassion for those  who feel like misfits. And my Haitian girl has grown a strong sense of pride in her heritage and in justice for the offended.

But I wish it were different.

It’s not.

And so for me I want to be part of the BUT THEN movement. Pain comes, but then a tender soul brings healing with their kindness. Riots destroy, but then a community comes together to clean it up and help each other rebuild. Racism demeans but then a nation chooses to live and love and see in new and honoring ways. 

And my BUT THEN is to see the people around me. See their uniqueness, see their value. See their beauty. See their strength. See their gifts. Just look them in the eyes and see them, period. 

I can’t fix the whole world, but then I can see the people God sets in my path today – be in the moment, look them in their eyes and love them well.

What is your but then in the face of your injustice?

Let’s start a movement.


11 Responses

  1. Truly beautiful Elsa! I’ve been on the receiving end of being “seen” by you and am convinced I have a softer heart because of it. May we all love and see others in new, permanent ways that seal love into this world!

  2. Wow! I would love to become a part of this movement Elsa. I met a “but then” candidate a few days ago playing golf…nice guy…but then on the 15th hole he told me of his lung cancer. He was taken aback when I asked him if I could pray for him and told him I had a direct line…
    Thank you for helping me see how many chances we get to SEE.
    So where do we begin? (so nice to be back reading your heart)

  3. Curt tells stories about your blessed time working together. I feel like I know you, especially after a few reads of your thoughts. I can see by your writings you have a natural gift of making all things Simple.
    Sad moments surround us daily….your “but then” commentary gave me a focus on how His light in us can change the world ! I see your light, you are inspiring, I look forward to the movement.

  4. You are a gifted writer, sad moments surround us daily….your but then commentary gave me a focus on how His light in us can change everything

  5. Elsa,
    So beautifully written. I can relate to being not seen nor heard in the midst of a group. I have learned to accept me and love me. I have gifts and talents that are not known, therefore not utilitized because they don’t see me. Sad, that this occurs in God’s house. Their knee is on my neck. But, God’s hand is on me, therefore my pain and disappointment does not seep into my heart.

  6. Your blogs are just so precious- truthful, real and honest. Words that reach the heart. . I’m looking very forward to reading ( and hearing?! Will any of them be you speaking?) many more in the future!
    ( it’s doubly special when you’re talking about your kids since I know them and where they came from! ) Blessings ❣️❣️❣️

  7. I’ve had several “But then” moments in my life.

    1. I was an illegitimate child, born of a German Woman and an American Soldier in Germany. Because my mother was under age when I was born, I was placed in the foster system in Germany. I was found in a basement.
    Then…my adopted parents rescued me and adopted me. We eventually emigrated to America.

    2. Because I was a foreigner and a “German” girl, I was persecuted as a child in grammar school. I was very shy and frightened most of my childhood.

    Then….The Lord gave me friends that were people of integrity and not superficial. The Lord taught me to have compassion.

    3. During my first marriage, we went bankrupt and my ex-husband thought it would be “creative to live in a school bus. We lived in the bus for four years while my two daughters were 10 and 13 years old.

    During that time the Lord brought people to our rescue to minister to us.

    As you can probably guess, we divorced…

    And then….The Lord led me to DivorceCare. I met my current husband. I introduced him to DivorceCare and we led DivorceCare classes for approximately 15 years.

    Thank you for your blogs!

    1. Wow, Kris – what an amazing story! Thank you so very much for sharing. I love hearing about other people’s “but then” moments – and you have some beautiful ones! Thank you for leading DC as well – I know it’s not a glamorous ministry – but what hope it can bring. Thank you for being on the front lines!

  8. I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for your time invested in the DivorceCare videos. I went through Divorcecare twice a number of years ago and you were one of my favorite speakers- authentic and vulnerable about your experience. It truly spoke to me. I just referred a friend to the Divorcecare videos and it reminded me of you so just wanted to say thank you.

    1. Jennifer, thank you so much! I just saw your comment – not sure how I missed it! Thank you for the kind words – it was a privilege to be part of the DivorceCare videos – and I LOVE the DivorceCare community. Thank you again!

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